GOATMILK: An intellectual playground edited by Wajahat Ali

Wajahat Ali

SCENE 1: NO FIGHTING IN THE WAR ROOM

TIME: Circa 2006

LOCATION: THE UNITED STATES

NARRATOR

The Curtains are raised and we see a darkened stage. Lights fade in. The scene begins in “THE WAR ROOM” a shadowy enclave hidden deep in the recesses of the nation’s Pentagon complex. A cool, chic black wooden conference table (Looks at the audience right before he says – ), made in Japan, sits in the middle of the football shaped room replete with a highly advanced, 360 degree, virtual reality digital map of the World adorning all sides of the room. A dimly lit light, (Looks at the audience), made in Korea hangs from the ceiling creating a dark, shadowy “war room-esque” atmosphere. There is also a mechanical horsie (Looks at the audience), Made in Mexico, located in the “play” corner. This notorious room is used by the nation’s political dignitaries only when discussing the most urgent, pressing matters of national security.

PRESIDENT

Bang Bang I got ya, ya yellar’ bellied Infidel. Now fall down…fall down. (Annoyed like a petulant child) Not like that, like the way I showed ya’, like Saddam’s statute. Bang Bang!

NARRATOR

Barked the 2nd term President to his illustrious Cabinet member, Secretary of Defense RAMstead, after firing play darts from his plastic pistols.

RAMSTEAD

Sir…please we don’t have time to play “Cowboys and Terrorists”, we (Exhales a deep sigh)…Fine.

NARRATOR

RAMstead pretends to fall down and crawls in a fetal position. He starts talking in an obviously fake, monotone ‘savage’ helpless voice.

RAMSTEAD

Owww, you got me, Shane. It’s High Noon for me. That sure is frontier justice. Thank you, oh mighty cowboy, for saving me from my savageness…by killing me.”

NARRATOR

Groaned the Secretary of Defense Ramstead with a fluorescent orange suction dart stuck on his forehead.

PRESIDENT

“Some of you have confused my recent frontier justice as “reckless” and my plain cowboy talk as putting ideology over faith. Heck, some have the guts to call my presidency the most dangerous administration in recent history. Such lies and accusations -“Bang! Bang!” (The president re-loads and shoots his darts at the Attorney General Alfredo Gonzalvez.) What do you say about this tomfoolery, Gonzo?

NARRATOR

Enter the illustrious Al-fredo Gonzalves, affectionately known as “Gonzo” to his friends, the recently appointed Attorney General with Italian-Mexican immigrant roots, who feigns pain as the orange play dart hits him in the leg…

GONZO

Owwwww!

NARRATOR

He quickly regains his composure.

GONZO

Mr. President, and other esteemed members of this esteemed staff, let me assure you I firmly stand behind your presidency and administration. Like all of your potent, manly initiatives, I believe your most recent firm and titular “security” measures such as “Terrorist Surveillance Program” is a legally legitimate use of authority in hunting pernicious – uh – that means evil, Mr. President – forces seeking to destroy our freedom loving ways!!!! Grrrrrr!!!

NARRATOR

Gonzo rips the flag of one of the Axis of Evil countries in wild Hulk-like rage!

SOS Candy
“

And to not stop until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped, and defeated” –

NARRATOR

Interjects passionately the middle aged, extremely single, illustrious Secretary of State Candy, affectionately known as SOS Candy to her friends, powerfully filling out her power suit and clicking her $850 Ferragomos stilettos heels…as she rips the flag of another Axis of Evil country

PRESIDENT

(A sly, frat boy smile curls on his lips as he casually eyeballs SOS Candy) I like my Secretary of States like I enjoy my coffee – black…with occasional sugar on the side. (Chuckles). Thank you SOS Candy and Attorney General Gonzo for your undying, minority loyalty, however the TV said there’s a suspicion that we—we’re too “security-conscience.”

NARRATOR

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a shiny, menacing baldhead emerges from the shadows of the war Room with a deep heavy Darth Vader- breathing audibly silencing inferior noises. Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly introduce…The Vice President.

VP

Mr. President, respectfully, it is about high time that we start working…through the dark side, if you will. We’ve got to spend time in the shadows of the intelligence world. A lot of what needs to be done here will have to be done quietly, without any discussion, using sources and methods that are available to only our intelligence agencies. If we’re going to be successful… it’s going to be vital for us to use any means at our disposal, basically, to achieve our objective.

PRESIDENT

(The President interjects) – But some say I’m trampling on the 4th amendment with this NASA Surveillance Program -

RAMSTEAD

The NSA Surveillance Program, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT

Abusing my Execution Powers –

SOS Candy

Executive Powers, Mr. President

PRESIDENT

Sidestepping the VISA courts –

VP

FISA courts, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT

Committing impeachable offenses like Nixon that Sneaky, Tricky Dick.

GONZO

Dag nabit! Stupid Katz! Justice White should be lynched for saying Wiretap is a Search and Seizure requiring 4th amendment warrants. (Vexes Gonzo audibly to himself.)

VP

Mr. President, I believe it’s high time to pull out the “Lincoln” (makes quote marks with his hands) card.

PRESIDENT

My Brad Lincoln Houston Cougar Baseball card?

VP

No, Mr. President. (Groans) The former Civil War president Abraham Lincoln card, Mr. President. When criticized for unilaterally implementing controversial executive orders during war, Honest Abe simply responded, “Actions which otherwise would be unconstitutional, could become lawful if undertaken for the purpose of preserving the Constitution and the Nation.”

PRESIDENT

And I am a preserver with a purpose, aren’t I?

SOS Candy

A mighty preserver!

GONZO

A purposeful preserver!

RAMSTEAD

A mighty purposeful preserver, Mr. President!

PRESIDENT

No! Wait – You’re confusin’ me.

NARRATOR

A sudden flash of anger and confusion, closes his eyes, sees his mechanical horsie, takes a deep breath, and calms down.

PRESIDENT

Now “I can only speak to myself.” —

VP

For yourself.

PRESIDENT

For yourself!

SOS Candy

For myself.-

PRESIDENT

For myself, when I say this: That it’s in our country’s interests to find those who do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.

RAMSTEAD

Harm those who intend to harm us and get innocents out of harm’s way!

PRESIDENT

Harm innocents who intend to harm us and get harm out of innocents’ way, exactly. And in the past 5 years, that’s exactly what I’ve sincerely tried to accomplish in this Crusade –

VP

War on Terror, Mr. President! No more crusades, remember? War on Terror!

PRESIDENT

Exactly, the Reign on Terror!

RAMSTEAD

The Reign of Terror, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT

It’s raining terror?

VP

(Visibly annoyed) It’s not raining terror, Mr. President. It’s not the Reign of Terror, Mr. President. (Becomes passionate and possessed) But, now, it is The Reign of Man! (Firmly and violently shakes his right fist)

PRESIDENT

(Confused) It’s Raining Men?

SOS CANDY

(Suddenly jumps up and throws her hands in the air) Hallelujah!

PRESIDENT

(Starts getting into the cheesy, Disco classic and nodding his head) It’s raiiining men!

SOS CANDY

Hallelujah! (With her hands in the air, she sheepishly looks around, and then quickly composes herself) Ahem, sorry.

NARRATOR

With great gusto and machismo, a corpulent, burly man with lieutenant general stars and stripes who was silent throughout the proceedings b/c he was playing “command and conquer” on his mini play station, stands to attention. Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly introduce…Lieutenant General Dunkin.

DUNKIN

Man up and call it like it is, Mr. Crusader, I mean, sorry, Mr. President! I, for one, stand behind your noble Crusade and encourage your clash with these inferior civilizations. Do you know why you’re in the White House, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

Why, Looo-tenant (Pronounces “Lieutenant” like Forest Gump pronounced “Lieutenant Dan” in the movie) Dunkin?

DUNKIN

Why? Well, the majority of Americans didn’t vote for you, Mr. President. So why are you my Commander in Chief? I’ll tell you why! Right now, this very instant in this War Room, I’ll tell you, just like I told the world! It’s because God put you here for a time such as this. And our God is bigger than their god! And my God is a real God and their god is an idol!”

PRESIDENT

American Idol?

DUNKIN

No, Mr. President. Not American Idol.

PRESIDENT

The Moon God of Mecca?

DUNKIN

Sweet baby Jesus, President Jesus, I mean, President!

RAMSTEAD

Goddamnit, Dunkin!

PRESIDENT

Sweet Baby Jesus Christ, Ramstead, I told you not to blaspha…blasphamer…blasphemersize in the War Room.

RAMSTEAD

Apologies for blas-pher-mer-sizing, Mr. President. But we need to keep that “clash of civilizations” rhetoric on a leash – we’re only inflaming the already inflamed A-rab world further, plus with civilian causalities in Iraq, this new smack talkin’ Pope, and these Goddamn Danish “cartoons” -

PRESIDENT

(Sharply rebuking tone) Ramstead!

RAMSTEAD

Sorry, sorry, (Makes quotation marks in the air) “damn” cartoons – our poll numbers are falling faster than Monica’s drawers. (Ramstead chuckles to himself over his ribald jab.)

DUNKIN

Easy to lay the blame on others “torture” boy.

RAMSTEAD

Just wait a minute, God boy, “What has been charged so far is abuse, which I believe technically is different from torture. I’m not going to address the ‘torture’ word.” Quit Abu-Ghraibing me! At least I’m not a sissy schoolgirl like Candy (Makes a whiny school girl voice) apologizing for our administrations’ “thousands of mistakes” in I-rack.

SOS CANDY

“Tactical” mistakes! I said “Tactical”! And I emphatically reiterated the President made the right strategic decision to invade and topple Saddam Hussein, honest to goodness, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT

Hang ‘em High! Yeehaw!

RAMSTEAD

Yellow cake, my ass.

SOS Candy

Resign, Ramstead, Resign. Resign, Ramstead, Resign.

GONZO

As a proud Italian-Mexican American son of Italian – Mexican immigrants your respective actions bring shame to my valuable contributions to this administration, and your cowardly rhetoric and actions directly contribute to my fearless President’s sagging approval ratings!

VP

Hey Taco, are you willing to say that under oath, Mr. “I don’t need a” Warrant?

GONZO

I only told the committee what you, I mean, uh, the President wanted me to say, Quayle killer!

VP

Now wait just a goddamn minute, Speedy Gonzalvez!

DUNKIN

Be careful, Gonzo. He might shoot you in the back!

SOS CANDY

I’m sure you’ll beat him to it, Yosemite Sam!

DUNKIN

Shut your beak, Daffy Duck!

PRESIDENT

People! People! Please! We can’t fight in here. This is the War Room!

VP

You’re right, Mr. President, you’re right. Pardon me. If the Coalition of the Willing – that’s us Mr. President – is fighting amongst ourselves then we won’t have the moral integrity and democratic discipline to take on the Axis of Evil – that’s “them,” Mr. President. Gentleman (Quickly looks to the sole woman) and Candy, in light of our recent “bumps” if you will – The NSA warrantless wiretapping debacle (Looks to Gonzo who nods), the discredited evidence leading up to the war (Looks to Candy), inflammatory religious rhetoric (Looks to Bush and Dunkin), and general negligence and mayhem (Points his index finger to himself), we’ve landed ourselves in bit of a PR pickle. Since we have been unable to locate Mullah Omar, Zawhiri, or Osama Bin Laden –

PRESIDENT

That’s because he’s hiding.

VP

Very Astute, Mr. President (Rolls his eyes). Because this phantom menace has not been procured, the American people have lost sight of the real “terror” and “evil threat” and started taking unfair potshots at us, their loyal administration.

RAMSTEAD

(Gets up and puts his hand on VP’s Shoulder) Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking, Veep?

GONZO

Attack of the Clones? (Every minority gets up with Gonzo as he says this – )

VP

(Passionately says the next line, and then silences them and tells em to sit with one wave of his hand) Revenge of the Sith, Gentleman!!! The beautiful yet tempestuous mistress known as “His-Story” has proven time and again that most people would rather feel safe than be free. We need to use our, excuse me, I mean, the Executive powers to the hilt. Restraints and liberties be damned, gentleman and Candy. History doesn’t rewards pansies and pussies! (Towering thud of his fist lands on the Japanese made conference table). The American public demands results and results is what we’re gonna give ‘em. It’s with great pleasure that I unveil my latest strategic masterpiece – “Kazuo!” (Claps twice like the “clapper” commercial and jumps a girlish jump)

NARRATOR

Enter John Yu Kazuo, a young, Japanese-Chinese American lawyer wearing a finely tailored Seville Row Suit with American Flags as cuff links and a clean, non-threatening gelled back hairstyle and glasses to match his intellectual non-threatening stereotype.

(As NARRATOR introduces Kazuo, Kazuo struts and walks up and down the stage showing off his clothes, his cuff links, his hair. And then at the end gives a really cheesy “Two thumbs up” signal)

KAZUO

Ladies and Gentleman, good afternoon.

DUNKIN

(Points at Kazuo with wild astonishment. Looks around at the administration and the audience. ) Pokemon speaks English!!

KAZUO

As a second generation son of Japanese-Chinese Americans, I was born and raised in this proud country which rewarded my pro-establishment, (Raises his hand) tough love, (Raises his other hand) don’t rock the boat (Raises one hand and the other), pull myself up from the bootstrap ideology (Moves his hands left and right like an action figure).

DUNKIN

(Extremely flustered and outraged, his face expanded like a red balloon).
Outrageous, Mr. President! Like my daddy, I agree with World War 2 General Dewitt – A Jap’s a Jap. They are a dangerous element. Don’t forget Pearl Harbor! There is no way to determine their loyalty. The yellow peril like yellowcake is always hovering, my dear God-fearing brothers. Just like these Islamist activists and now these new illegal immigrant terrorists – we must worry about them at all times all the time! Even American citizenship does not necessarily determine loyalty! Prove you’re America-holic, Bruce Lee!

SOS CANDY

Let’s not overreact and respond with politically incorrect rhetoric, Dunkin. Give the Jap a moment to explain himself. (Looks reassuringly at Kazuo and gives him a nod.) Kato?

KAZUO
Collie. (Kazuo nods back with a weary smile.) No need to chide the patriotic Lieutenant General, gentle (Looks at Candy) – people, allow me to prove my loyalty. First, my last name Kazuo means a “man of peace” – and that I am. (In stereotypical Asian accent) “I love peace long time. Loooong time.” (The Administration laughs, Dunkin eases up. Kazuo regains his salesman composure) After being tenured at a prominent liberal law school university, I wrote and published a painstakingly original and bold new bestseller entitled “Defending Internment,” setting forth both the practical and legal rationalizations for the controversial WW2 executive measure. Yes, yes, even though my father’s English speaking family was interned during WW2 in these very same camps, and my mother’s family wasn’t naturalized until 1942 due to the Chinese Exclusion Act and National Origins Act , I feel no bitterness or regret. Only pride – pride that my country took the proactive steps necessary to defend its borders, its citizens, and its values from terrorists dedicated to tyranny and hatred! As further proof of my loyalty – I’ve named my first-born son, “Ronald”, my middle one “Reagan Oliver North,” and my youngest daughter- who is mentally retarded – “Hillary” and my newly adopted biracial Sudanese child “Barack.”

RAMSTEAD

O-bama!

PRESIDENT

You’ve earned your citizenship in my eyes, Kung Fu. Now, tell me, in plain legal-ese how you can cut us out of our pickle?

RAMSTEAD

Get us out of this pickle!

PRESIDENT

I wanna’ play with my pickle!

KAZUO

Emperor- excuse me – Mr. President, I regretfully inform you that your poll numbers are indeed at their lowest ebb. The country is nearly divided over your foreign and domestic policies, and your opponents and critics, especially the abolitionists and abortionists in Congress, view you as incompetent, overburdened, and worst of all weak. However I have one magic word that gets us out of this rabbit hole: “Aliens.”

PRESIDENT

E.T. the friendly Extra Terrestrial? Sigourney Weaver? Close Encounters of the Third Kind? A-ha! Invasion of the Body Snatchers!

KAZUO

Close, Mr. President, close, but…. not exactly. How would you like it if there were no guaranteed limits on your broad executive and constitutional authority to wage war with these pernicious “aliens”? How would you like to possess the legal ammunition to use military force without the interference of nosy abolitionist Congressman seeking review and censure of your actions?

PRESIDENT

(Looking at his empty plastic pistols)
I reckon my guns could use the extra ammo.

KAZUO

And with my new job as Deputy assistant attorney general (Looks to Cheney for a nod of approval – Cheney gives it to him. Gonzalvez visibly annoyed), I will work hand in hand with Gonzo and the rest of the Administration to ensure you receive the necessary ammo for your Spanish pistols.

GONZO

Now, wait just a goddamn minute! (Quickly) Sorry, Mr. President. (Makes quotation marks in the air) “Damn” minute. I can tolerate one more (Points to Candy) but three is definitely a crowd!

SOS Candy

The Mexi-cant is correct. Adding a Chinaman next to a Black Woman and an Italian Mexican is like the beginning of a bad joke that can only end badly. Come on now, peoples! This isn’t the frikkin’ United Nations!

DUNKIN

I didn’t sign up for the United Colors of Bennetton!

VP

The model minority will have his Deputy assistant attorney general position!

RAMSTEAD

“Aliens” eh? What type of aliens, Kato?

KAZUO

The worst type. Aliens in our own backyard. Aliens amongst our midst. No need to find Bin Laden abroad when Bin Laden can be found at home, Mr. President. One thing most Americans agree on is they don’t like “aliens.” Recent polls show over 52% think all immigrants are a burden on the US, 56% believe they – the aliens – don’t pay their fare share, and 58% are adamant they – the aliens –don’t care to speak or learn English! Also, there is a general consensus and awareness after Sept. 11 that the enemy was not simply al Qaeda—but militant Islam, well let’s just say Islam in general and over 50% Americans agree!

PRESIDENT

(Stand up and declares forcefully) Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.

SOS CANDY

(Like talking to a child) Very good, Mr. President.

DUNKIN

(Stands up to declare this statement, like he usually does) Goddamn Mexifornication! Islamiscegenation! Blacks mating with Asians! And Chocolate covered Caucasians – all over the country! Television should have never gone color if ya’ ask me!

KAZUO

Just think of them as Aliens, Lieutenant… aliens. And once we find these aliens, I mean, our “Bin Ladens,” Mr. President, then you unleash your power, and like a mighty Biblical Prophet –

PRESIDENT

Noah, no no- ummm…ummmmMMoses…no, no too Semitic, ummm, ok, got it, David!

THE ADMINSTRATION

David! (All cheering in unison!)

NARRATOR

Kazuo’s eyes widen to the size of hyperactive parakeet, a Joker grin stretching cheek to cheek like a Cheshire cat adorns his face, his voice rises with a furious Biblical fury breathlessly and passionately he declares -

KAZUO

Like David you shall single-handedly slay all your Goliaths with one furious sling of your Presidential slingshot! (President gets up and mimes a slingshot) The critics, nay Sayers, hippies, turncoat conservatives, wanna be demo-cats, and limp wristed liberals (VP gets up and limps his wrist and make a fey noise) will line up and jig to your fiddle (Gonzo, SOS Candy, and Kazuo all jig in synch to President’s mimed fiddling) , once they realize the public adulation adorning the new Empero-umm- King of Isra-uh – President of America for courageously rooting out dangerous elements from their own backyard using the same criticized security methods and procedures once maligned by these very same whining, pinko Philistines!

(During Kazuo’s tirade, Dunkin was slowly but surely getting animated and jazzed like a cranked up, Gung Ho Commando. Midway through the above speech, he takes out a red, RAMBO bandana and ties it around his head. He is twitching and shaking his knees with a giddy glee and a mad glint in his eyes. After Kazuo’s last words, he gets up like a steroid pumped enraged Commando freak and goes nutty. He makes a shotgun noise and blasts through a door. Then he does a stop, drop, and roll. He gets up, loads a big, gun turret and blasts the audience away. Then, he throws a grenade, waits for it to explode and covers his ears. Then, he unleashes a bazooka from his shoulder pack and blasts the audience. Finally, he takes out his hunter’s knife from his foot holster and starts stabbing the air, the audience members, and generally anyone who comes near him – becoming more and more frenzied and mad. Finally, Kazuo calms him and in a soothing voice placates him as he trembles and mumbles to himself)

NARRATOR

Suddenly the rest of the administration puckers up with glee, slowly realizing the fruition of Kazuo’s diabolically brilliant strategy. Meanwhile, the President is busy reloading his plastic pistol.

PRESIDENT

(Looking over to his Vice President)
Should I also be happy?

VP

Very happy, Mr. President.

KAZUO

Mr. President – just think of the magic word.

PRESIDENT

Shazaam?

KAZUO

Close, Mr. President. Close. Re-locate. (Smiles.) Re-locate –

THE ADMINSTRATION

Re-locate, re-locate, re-locate, re-locate, re-locate

(The President starts grinning and repeating the words to himself and then suddenly-)

PRESIDENT

Bang! Bang!

NARRATOR

Kazuo stands with an accomplished smile, hands folded, showing his shining American flag cuff links, Seville Row suit, and a fluorescent Orange suction dart stuck in the middle of his forehead.