From ANONYMOUS [An actual letter sent by a middle aged White male to TSA and given exclusively to Goatmilk]
Dear Mr. Pistole,
I am writing to complain about the inadequate hand job I recently received at the Miami airport.
I am a frequent flyer with two artificial hips so I always am sent for secondary screening. As a married middle aged man, I had thought my life of sexual adventure was over. With the new and enhanced level of “security screening,” however, my life has been changed.
Now when I go to the airport, it’s an adventure. I do not know which of those handsome young men will look me in the eye, put his hands in my pants and begin the fondling. (To date the grabbing has generally been through fabric, but when I ran out of clean underwear on a recent trip to Hawaii, the surprise and excitement was so much that your fondler was glad he was wearing those rubber gloves, but I digress).
Their technique is always different. Some, like Jane Fonda in Klute looking at her watch, are just going through the motions to get it over with. Others, however, look me in the eye, give repeated firm strokes and clearly demonstrate they are enjoying this as much as I am. I am impressed their stamina. They must fondle hundreds of men a day. Maybe you could sign a deal with the Catholic Church to provide an outlet for their priests. It would be a win/grin situation.
In any event do not be deterred by those complaining about your new enhanced level of service. Just the thought of those young boys and the gloves is making me go to Expedia right now. Anyway, back to my original point. I think my recent service in Miami was deplorable. The young man did not even say thank you or call me the next day.
You are in the customer service business. Attention to simple details will bring thousands of new customers to your sensitive hands. In these tight economic times, your contribution to the appropriate stimulus required will help our nation stay strong and firm in the face of Islamic oppression.
I look forward to your next advance in service.