Mubarak’s Unedited Interview with Christiane Amanpour Reimagined


WAJAHAT ALI

  • Religious Dispatches
  • portion of last night’s exclusive ABC Interview with Egypt’s burdened dictator, Hosni Mubarak
  • Mubarak: I’m like the Frodo of Dictators. I never wanted unilateral, unchecked power; my own personal army; unlimited wealth and influence. The burden, it is too much, just too much. I’m really fed ub.

    CA: So, why did you stay in power for 30 years?

    Mubarak: Eh, for the beoble, the beoble. Only I could carry this burden…and then, of course, my son Gamal. He likes ponies and camel chocolate.

    CA: So, you’re Frodo, the beleaguered protagonist, and I’m assuming Sauron, the antagonist, is…

    Mubarak: The Muslim Brotherhood and all enemies of freedom…

    CA: Of course, and Saruman, the treacherous wizard, is…

    Mubarak: The U.S….they betrayed me. I thought they were my bros. [Eyes well up]

    CA: And you’re Gandalf the Grey?

    Mubarak: There are no Gays in Egypt..

    CA: No, the Grey.

    Mubarak: Hanh? The hearing gets bad at 82…what? No, my hair, thank Allah, is not grey. It is miracle.

    CA: And Aragorn?

    Mubarak: He is man with muscles and wields sword and fights bravely, yes?

    CA: Yes –

    Mubarak: Then I am him.

    CA: But you can’t be him and Frodo, they are not only two different characters but two different species.

    Mubarak: [Defiantly!] I said I am him also!

    CA: Ok, ok. And will you apologize to me for your thugs attacking me and my crew?

    Mubarak: Is your name Anderson Coober 360? Do you have nice, well groomed, silver hair and biercing blue eyes?

    CA: No

    Mubarak: Then blease shut your trap. And be grateful you’re getting this exclusive interview, habibti.

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