“A spokesman for Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari says the president held an emergency meeting with top security officials Monday morning to discuss the announcement that Osama bin Laden has been killed. The spokesman said Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani, armed forces chief Gen. Ashfaq Parvez Kayani and intelligence chief Lt. Gen. Ahmed Shuja Pasha were among those in attendance. The spokesman said the foreign ministry was preparing a formal statement.”
The Emergency Meeting:
(The following dialogue must be read in hyperbolic, melodramatic fashion as popularized by South Asian TV serials)
President Zardari (Z) anxiously twirls his mustache and frantically paces around. He keeps obsessively applying coconut oil to his hair. He is wearing a matching burgundy silk sleeping suit and pajamas.
General Kayani (K) is shining his numerous medals and pins on his General’s jacket. Prime Minister Gilani (G) is obsessively Googling. Director of ISI (Inter-Services Intelligence) General Ahmed Shuja Pasha (P) is melancholy, and BBM’ing in the corner by his lonesome.
ardari: Shit, yaar! (Yaar is Urdu for homie, friend, pal) Amreeka found Osama! They came here, killed him and then told us!
Gilani: Total shit, yaar!
Kayani: Total mind-blasting shit, yaar!
Z: Did any of you know about this? Why didn’t anyone tell me Amreeka was doing this operation?
Gilani: You explicitly told us never to bother you when you wore your “special pajamas” –
Kayani: Or applied coconut oil –
G: For your “fertility” sessions.
Z: (Embarrassed) – Not fertility! Vitality! I told you for vitality sessions!
K: Regardless, you explicitly said you never want to hear bad news, and instead want to be told, “Papu Yaar, taang na kar.” (It literally means “Dude, stop bothering me.”)
Z: (Like a confused child) Yaar, is this news bad?
Kayani and Gilani exchange worried, awkward glances.
Z: At least tell me they found him in some remote, isolated location in Waziristan?
G: Nope, right in the heart of Abbottabad!
Z: Kutey ja putta! (Son of a Dog!)
K: Within the military cantonment of Abottabad…
Z: Ghasti Kay Bachay! (Son of a Bitch!)
K: 800 yards from the elite military training academy –
Z: Uloo Ka Pata! (Son of an Owl!) Hiding in a ditch or a cave?
K: Living in a heavily fortified compound…”custom built to hide someone of significance.”
Z: Ranayadha! (Son of a Whore!)
G: Please, boss, your blood pressure.
Z: Kitne Aadmi the? (How many men were there?)
K: In all, 79 commanders and a dog.
Z: Moomeh! (Boobs!)
K: You or the Prime Minister should really make a statement now…
G: Shit, yaar! The entire operation was live tweeted by @Really Virtual!
K: Is he ISI?
ISI Director Pasha sadly shakes his head “no.”
Z: Abey yaar, my head hurts. First, let’s drink some whiskey and eat mangoes.
G: Thank God, I just finished my morning prayers. Perfect time for a drink!
K: No need, I have my own flask.
They offer whiskey to Pasha, who keeps ignoring them. Z, K, and G drink. Z fills up the glasses again, downs it, and pounds it.
Z: Dhila lan de padiash! (Born by a loose penis!) I’m still upset! Let’s take out our frustration on one of my servants. Saleem!
Enter Saleem, a servant. Z slaps him for no reason.
Z: Thank you, Saleem, that made me feel much better.
Saleem: Koy baat neyhee, boss. (No worries, boss)
Z: Yaar, I just can’t focus. Can’t we think of some bakhwass (Nonsense) tomorrow?
K: We sadly cannot, yaar. Major world leaders are making announcements. And, considering Osama was found here –
G: Yaar, Z, you really need to say something now.
Z: Shit, yaar, let’s have the Foreign Minister say some bakhwass. What’s he doing in the corner?
The FM is watching the blockbuster Bollywood movie “3 Idiots” on the “Bollywood 4 You” cable channel.
Z: Arey, Ghoray Ki Nasal! (Hey, progeny of a horse!) You’re sitting there doing mutte maar (Masturbation) as the U.S. has us by our tatte (Testicles) and we’re getting our bund mara (Our butts reamed)?
FM: Sorry, yaar, but this movie really is great! Amir Khan is such fantastic, mind-blasting actor, such a perfectionist!
K: Abey, Mangaithar Bakra! (Hey, Mangy Goat!) Write up something now or else you’ll be Amir Khan’s chuddees (Soiled Undergarments) tomorrow!
FM: Can I please pause the movie? We have Tivo now.
G:…Fine. You can pause it.
Z: Speaking of Bollywood, I’m sure those Indian haramzaday (Bastards) are laughing at us now!
K: Wouldn’t be surprised. If I was in their chapals (Sandals) right now, I’d sure rub it in – rub it in real good.
G: Madrechod, yaar! (Motherf$%*, man!) The Indian Home Minister just said Pakistan is a “terrorist sanctuary.”
Z: Sala haramkhore! (Bastard!) What did they say exactly?
G: “…terrorists belonging to different organizations find sanctuary in Pakistan.”
Z: (Defiantly!) That’s it! This will not be tolerated any longer!
K: What do you plan on doing, yaar!
Z: (Triumphantly rises!) Absolutely nothing!
And then Z immediately sits down.
They all sit there confused and agitated. K takes a swig from his flask and polishes his medals. G resumes Googling. The FM has secretly pressed unpause and resumes watching a muted “3 Idiots” on Bollywood 4 You.
Z: (Increasingly frustrated and now needs a scapegoat. Sees ISI Director Pasha in the corner and explodes on him) This is all your fault! First, the Raymond Davis-CIA-double murder debacle! Now, this bloody mess! God-damn ISI with their bloody secrecy and shady bed partners!
Pasha: Oy, shut your beak, you oiled son of a goat herding dullah (Pimp)! I just lost a friend today!
Z: No one tells Zardari to shut his beak!
K: Actually, yaar, all of us tell you to shut your beak…all the time…and you always listen.
Z: (Twirling his moustache, Z says the following with dramatic flair, doing his best Clint Eastwood “Man with No Name” impression) Zardari ke taap se tumhe ek hi aadmi bacha sakta hai, ek hi aadmi, khud Zardari. (“Only one man can save you from Zardari’s anger, only one man, Zaradri himself!”)
Pasha takes out a Kalashnikov and points it at Zardari.
Pasha: (Doing his best Clint Eastwood “Dirty Hairy” Impression) Tera kya hoga, Sala? (“What will happen to you, Punk?” – a rendition on the famous lines uttered in the Bollywood blockbuster movie “Sholay”)
Kayani takes out his rifle and points it at Pasha.
K: (Doing his best Clint Eastwood “Gran Torino” Impression) Ab Tera kya hoga, Sala? (“Now what will happen to you, Punk?”)
G: Stop! Stop! Stop acting like ghadas! (Asses)! Obama is speaking now!
Obama on Al Jazeera Live: “Our counterterrorism cooperation with Pakistan helped lead us to bin Laden”
Sigh of relief. All exhale. Kayani and Pasha lower their rifles.
K: This is good. It’s vague. Vague is good. We can work with…vagueness.
G: (Starts tweaking) Shit, man, shit! We’re totally screwed, yaar! If we say we worked with him, then we look like U.S. stooges. If we say we allowed them in, then we look like U.S. doormats. If we say we had nothing to do with it, then we look like namard buzdils! (Emasculated cowards!)
Kayani violently slaps Gilani to his senses!
Z: Yaar, this is too much for me – just totally too much. I’m tired. Let’s just think of some bakhwass tomorrow. In the meantime, Foreign Minister, just have Saleem, my servant, give an official response. Also, tell Saleem to start writing my Washington Post editorial.
Zardari curls up in a fetal position and sleeps on the floor sucking his thumb.
FM: Sure thing, yaar. Right after I finish watching Three Idiots!
After the movie ends and the Foreign Minister wipes away his tears, he addresses the nation with the following statement written by Saleem, the servant, saying the raid was carried out “in accordance with declared U.S. policy that Osama bin Laden will be eliminated in a direct action by the U.S. forces, wherever found in the world.”
The Foreign Minister then transcribes Zardari’s editorial for the Washington Post, again written by Saleem the Servant, in which Saleem says, “Pakistan has never been and never will be the hotbed of fanaticism that is often described by the media…Such baseless speculation may make exciting cable news, but it doesn’t reflect fact…Pakistan had as much reason to despise al-Qaeda as any nation. The war on terrorism is as much Pakistan’s war as it is America’s.”