ALL THIS FOR AN ASS? [A One act ribald, politically incorrect, comedic satire]

[ A One act ribald, politically incorrect, comedic satire]

ALL THIS FOR AN ASS?

Wajahat Ali

A Moorish Jester frolicking and jigging in the left corner of the stage; two noblemen looking quite noble doing noble things center stage; a water boy in a nubile servant costume continuously pouring water into mugs with his water jug.

Jester jigs his way to front center stage: he smiles a perverted, jesterish smile and widens his arms as to welcome the audience.

JESTER

Welcome one and all to our humble gathering. Fear not, my fellow brethren for all are welcomed on this hallowed day. (Quickly) Whether harlots, heathens, whores or hefers; malcontents, misfits, misanthropes or merchants; whether fishmongers, fairies, fair lads or floozies; whether alchemists, astrologists, assholes or algorithms; whether, codpieces, cocksmokers, carpetbaggers, or castrated carnivores; Whether bon-bons, bumble-berries, beasts of burdens or bitches! Welcome one and all…. especially the papacy. (Planted schlep in the audience wearing papal garb rises and salutes the audience.)

I am your humble narrator, the chorus if you will for tonight’s entertainment (Stars bowing an doing small jesterish jig.) It seemeth that the two nobles of Venice, Sir Lord Nymphus Vienerschneitz and Sir Lord Cockenblock are anxiously awaiting the return of Gerf, the simply peasant boy with the simple task of collecting the annual taxes. Yet Hark (Dramatic pause – finger pointed in the air), trouble breweth within the walls of the castle. Let us, like fearless vo-YEURS, spy on their gossip and then make juicy rhetoric like overpriced law-YERS. (Pause…bows head. Dejected. Looks to audience.) Ok, granted that was retarded. But I need to rhyme, peoples!

Noblemen begin to noble talk – Very fast, rat a tat, back and forth dialogue.

COCKENBLOCK

Oh, Vieeenerschneitz!

VIENER

Yes, Cockenblock?

COCKENBLOCK

Beloved Vienerschneitz, it seemeth that my pickle is in bit of a tickle.

VIENER

You dareth say not so.

COCKENBLOCK

I doubly dareth say I do.

VIENER

(Itching his head as if in a confused state.) Contemplation and rumination regarding your malady inflameth the family jewels, thus causing me to scratch them like so (Begins scratching his private parts.)

COCKENBLOCK

Indeed, the inflammatory virus feasting on thy jewels parallels the malady infecting me mind.

VIENER

Regarding the recent deflowering of the exotic, Nubian tulip?

COCKENBLOCK

Ay, the threat of heathen progeny resulting from the unsheathing of my sword and plunging it violently into the flesh of the conquered always creates a mental anguish, (Pauses – dramatically turns and looks in the opposite direction) yet today’s malady is that of monetary concern.

VIENER

Ah, yes. Regarding the annual plebian tribute to the gluttonous rich?

COCKENBLOCK

You mean the taxes?

VIENER

I mean paying for your opium and whores.

Both start laughing an annoying, noble laugh. HA –HA- HA.

COCKENBLOCK

Ah Viener, pray thee, give me peace, for your jocular ejaculations bring tinklish treasures to my inner innards.

VIENER

To tickle thy pickle is sweeter than fiddling my diddle.

Enter FECUS from stage right, bringing water and tidings.

FECUS

(In a very annoying, high pitched, near pubescent accent.) Here, here! I, Fecus son of Bowlus, bring tidings of the arrival of Gerf, the local peasant and tax collector. (Pauses…and then giddily says) And I bring thee water to quench thy arousal!

COCKENBLOCK

Silence, petty Fecus! Thy insolent tone shall result in thy mounting! Scamper back to thy corner and let Gerf in with our annual tributes.

Cockenblock and Viener start rubbing hands and smiling a greedy smile. Jester jigs across the stage to the right, where Gerf is about to make his entrance.

JESTER

(To audience) Gerf, although an illiterate and a freemason, a virgin AND a deceptive villain, is in essence a simple peasant boy with the simple task of collecting the taxes and surrendering it to the nobles for a petty fee of used codpieces and six garbanzo beans. HARK! I dareth not trusteh mine eyes, for the usual bags of gold seemteth to be replaced by… (A very melodramatic pause and exclamation) …an ASS! It seemeth that Gerf hath traded the town’s gold ducats to the local gypsy for a Donkey!

Enter Gerf with an ass on a leash.

COCKENBLOCK

Gerf, son of a thieving whore, God bless thy impotent heart. You bringeth treasures to soil my loins, no?

VIENER

Indeed, my loins need a good soling as well. Proceedeth to showeth us the sweet bountiful bounty of gold you have brought us, dear peon.

GERF

(Very slow and stupid-like) Duh, uh, Gerf no have taxes. Gerf bring ass instead. (Giant goofy grin plastered on his face).

COCKENBLOCK

(Casually laughing). Of course, thy bring-eth thy arse, for it’s impossible for one not to, though bumbling half cock! But what of the taxes?!

VIENER

Indeed, halfcock! Pray thee, no talk of your arse, rather talk of the bounty! (Begins jumping like a school girl!) The bounty! The bounty! The bounty!

GERF

Gerf already talketh of bounty. No bounty (Points to donkey) – Just ass.

COCKENBLOCK

(Inquisitive and annoyed) Are YOU an ass, Gerf?

VIENER

Verily, an ass must he be, for he prattleth incessantly about the gluteus maximus.

COCKENBLOCK

Most indubitably.

VIENER

Precisely.

COCKENBLOCK

Exactly.

VIENER

(Raises fist!) Agreed! Gerf is an ass. Fecus, write that down in rote.

Fecus begins to write on a scroll.

Quit roting, though product of a bestial fornication! I was merely jesting in jest. As penance, standeth like a flamingo in heat.

Fecus, in the corner, starts standing on one leg, with his arms folded to his sand, sticking out his tongue like a flamingo in heat.

Proceeding to matter number 2: the taxes –

GERF

No taxes, just ass.

COCKENBLOCK

(Becoming very flustered and incensed, then in a very slow, condescending manner) Liiisten, deeear Gerf, most irretrievably stupid and congenitally insane halfwit, when I ask thee about taxes, do NOT retort with “Ass.” Agreed?

GERF

(Nods and grunts) Yes.

VIENER

Most excellent. Now where are the taxes –

GERF

(Points to donkey) The ass-

COCKENBLOCK

AHH!! (Bites fingers to stop from swearing) Did you not hear my most recent ejaculation?

GERF

Yes, I heareth thy ejaculation good.

COCKENBLOCK

And was not my ejaculation lucid, cogent, and to the point?

GERF

Lord Cockenblock’s ejaculation good.

COCKENBLOCK

Verily!

VIENER

Truly!

COCKENBLOCK

(Still refraining from anger, yet almost losing it) Most indubitably! Now, please, for the love of my mother, God bless the wench’s soul, tell me of the taxes!

GERF

You mean the ass?

COCKENBLOCK

(Moments from losing it) Not the ass! The taxes! THE TAXES! For God’s sake, man, you collect them every year! (Imitating a condescending baby’s voice) You go to eveeeery house every year and you say, “Hello, I’m the tax man, give me thy taxes,” and then you come here and giveth them to me! Those taxes, where are they?

VIENER

Indeed, man, tell us of the taxes. The loins need to be soiled!

GERF

(Dramatic Pause – Inhales as about to say something important, then says -) Allow me to ejaculate! [author’s note: in the rhetorical sense, not the “other” sense]

COCKENBLOCK

I’ve been waiting for your ejaculation all day, man! Get to it! For the love of God, ejaculate, and come out with it!

VIENER

Pray thee, quicken thy ejaculation for my insides trembleth with anticipation!

GERF

(Big, goofy smile) I like to ejaculate!

COCKENBLOCK

(Raises hand to strike Gerf, refrains, bites fingers again, in a state of pure frustration) That’s it! To maintain civility, and to not beat thee down with my man-handle, I shall instead take my wrath out on an innocent, nonsensical, stereotypical heathen.

Goes to front stage, starts talking to audience.

Are there any innocent, nonsensical, stereotypical heathens in the audience? (Looks around) I repeat, I have need of a heathen or two.

Planted heathen schlep, Heathen number 1, hesitantly raises hand.

COCKENBLOCK

(Very graciously) Oh, most excellent. Thank you for thy gracious assistance (Sternly). Fecus! Move thy constantly ravaged bottom double quick and bring the heathen center stage.

Fecus jumps into audience, drags heathen onto stage.

COCKENBLOCK

(Very slowly, trying best to assuage a growing temper). Now, listen, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear Gerf. Simple, kind hearted Gerf. Good, nice, decent Gerf. Please, for all that’s holy and pure, please tell me about the taxes. If you do not, I will be forced to beat this heathen.

Heathen hears this and suddenly raises his eyebrows. Becomes afraid, starts mumbling in heathen talk; tries to escape, yet forced to stand.

Viener

Thank you, kind, dear, savage heathen for letting us assail thy naked body. You are a man for others – truly Christian.

Heathen starts to freak out really bad.

COCKENBLOCK

All right, here begin-eth the questionnaire. Regarding the taxes…

(The rest of this action scene and dialogue is very over the top, fast and exaggerated.)

GERF

(Smiling) The ass.

Cockenblock suddenly whips the heathen.

HEATHEN

AHHHH!!!!

COCKENBLOCK

(Incensed, eyeballs about to explode) Refrain from uttering ass!!!

GERF

(Enlightened…raises index finger) The donkey!

HEATHEN

(Heathen is whipped again) AHHHH!!!

VIENER

Screw the donkey, talk to us of the gold! The Gold!!!

GERF

I don’t screw donkey. I like ass though (Smiles a perverted grin.)

HEATHEN

(Heathen is whipped again) AHHHH!!!

COCKENBLOCK

(Crying, pleading) For the love of St. Peter, come out with it! Where did you place the gold??!!

HEATHEN

(In pain, suddenly starts speaking in the most broken of English) For love of – God- Tell him – Gold- where? Please (Starts crying)

GERF

(Smiling) First, I must ejaculate.

Cockenblock goes nuts on the whipping; heathen screaming. Fecus removes Heathen and places him back in the audience where he remains until the end of the play tending his wounds.

COCKENBLOCK

That was to no avail – but quite fun nonetheless. Dear Vienerschneitz, I believeth we must resort to the archaic practice of witchery.

VIENER

(Gasps, holds fingers to lips) Muh – Muh – Merlinism?

COCKENBLOCK

Arthurian.

VIENER

Round tablish?

COCKENBLOCK

I prefereth Little Caesars, but whatever you fancy. (Goes back to the audience) Ahem, is there a wizard we may borrow? I repeat a man trained in wizardry? May he step forward?

Planted schlep looks around, with trepidation raises hand

FRUITOPIUS

I- I was trained in wizardry.

COCKENBLOCK

You, sir, yes, please, you will do.

FRUITOPIUS

(Puts on his blue wizard hat, which appears out of nowhere) The name is (Looks around only like a pimp daddy can and says -) FRUITOPIUS! Now, I take it that you kids need to know what’s the dilly-yo with this retard here and his donkey.

VIENER

(Quietly in an aside to the wizard) Pssst! Please talk in the vernacular of your present company!

FRUITOPIUS

(Annoyed) Yeah, yeah, whatever, shut up little prick. Ok, ok. Fine. (Now changes his demeanor and tone and becomes pretentious, British aristocrat) Hark, hark! Trouble breweth in these here quarters. Let me find the maidenhead of thy worries and assuage them with my alchemy. I shall chant an incantation that shall solve the riddle of the taxes.

(Starts doing a complete nonsense dance, goes around the stage, mumbles nonsense, and then dramatically blows on donkey.)

(Donkey suddenly rises and becomes bipedal, stand erects, wipes dust off himself, and randomly takes out a monocle and wears it. Everyone else is astonished and shocked.)

COCKENBLOCK AND VIENE

THE ASS!

GERF

Correction: the donkey!

FRUITOPIUS

Speak thy tale, ass. And tell us of the malady regarding the taxes.

DONKEY

(Donkey clears throat then says in a very articulate, eloquent speech) Hear me, Sirrah! First, address me by my proper title Sir Gawarian of Asslopia.

FRUITOPIUS

Proceed Sir Gawarian of Asslopia.

SIR GAWARIAN OF ASSLOPIA

I am an ass who belongeth to the property of Conchita of Chiquita, the Spanish Butterfly who is also the local gypsy.

Conchita the Gyspy randomly enters from stage left, smiles, waves, giddily bounces up and down, and exits stage right.

Gerf, here, returning from his tax collecting duties found me enticing so he offereth to trade the ducats for my ass. Which he did. And voila, je ne sais quoi, but here I am.

GERF

I like asses.

FRUITOPIUS

Boo ya, baby! My job here is done.

COCKENBLOCK

Wait, wait, me taxes! What of me taxes! I don’t want a trodden ass in lieu of my ducats!!!

VIENER

Our ducats!

COCKENBLOCK

Verily!

VIENER

Truly!

COCKENBLOCK

Monetarily! Hark, what are we to do? Is this justice? Is this truth? Have my loins been soiled yet?? (Looks downward at his pants and checks) They have not!

VIENER

Neither have mine!

COCKENBLOCK

Nor mine!

SIR GAWARIAN OF ASSLOPIA

(Looks down) I can finally see my balls! Nor mine!

GERF

Uh oh. Mine have.

(Everyone starts laughing)

Not funny. Gerf soiled himself (The front of his pants are all wet. The Actor can slyly turn around and pour some water from glass when no one pays attention and then turn around).

Everyone still laughing.

FRUITOPIUS

WAH WAH WAH!!! (Hits Gerf over head, slaps him, then does Three Stooges nose slap).

GERF

OW! Gerf no like! Gerf will ejaculate his pain through a dance!

Gerf starts doing a jig. Wizard starts doing a cheesy, belly button napkin magic trick.

COCKENBLOCK

HA HA HA. Oh, to hell with the taxes, to hell with the ducats! God bless the ass! God bless Gerf! God bless everyone!

Everyone now erupts in a joyous, mirthful dance and jig.

The Moorish Jester enters from stage right. Everyone freezes as if someone hit the pause button. Their faces giddy and in weird mid-dance. Jesters looks at everyone, confused, perplexed.

JESTER

(Pause). God bless the ass. God bless the ass indeed. For if it was not for the ass, our two noblemen would have never learned the true lessons of life and of this tale: that tis better to whip a heathen and dance a jig than soil thyself in thy own cod. I bid you Adieu. (Jigs off.)